A Change is going to come... It must!

Greetings everyone! Can you believe that summer is coming to an end very soon?! Well, I can't! But, Fall time is one of my favorite times of the year! All the beautiful colors on the trees, sweaters, boots...OH MY!

Usually on long weekends, I get to have my babies. I have been looking forward to them coming all week! Then I get a text from my Dad (aka Deddy) on Thursday night that he would not be picking them up for the weekend. They had a wedding to attend with their father.  I just blankly stared at the text for a few minutes.  I just knew that they would be here with us this weekend. What am I going to do with myself now?   I decided to try and make the best of this Holiday weekend even though my heart is breaking inside. So, other than random crying spells throughout the day, I have been enjoying myself. I still have a lump in my throat that won't go away and my heart is physically hurting (if that makes any sense).  But, I refuse to sit around and play the moping game. I am not going to have a pity party for myself!  I can't afford too! An addict cannot stay in self-pity, it is dangerous territory! You see, I used to think that I was not allowed to be happy and enjoy life because I don't have custody of my children.  I would always feel guilty for having a good time because I would imagine my babies were somewhere being very sad because their mother had abandoned them. How dare I have fun?! There are 2 children out there being raised by their father because their dope head mother couldn't get it together. I deserve to suffer! That's just some of the things that would go through my head.  And I would be lying to you if I told you that I still don't think like this sometimes.  But then I think about the blood of Jesus Christ! His blood that was shed was for this dope fiend! His blood was shed, so that my children would have an awesomely blessed life with or without their mother! His blood that was shed so that I wouldn't have to walk around in shame and guilt for all of the disgusting things that I have done! His blood was shed so that I could have complete...not 1/4....not 1/2 but COMPLETE restoration of my life! Jesus is watching over my babies when they are not with me. He has angels especially assigned to them.  They are happy and healthy! The God that I serve would not have it any other way!

God has big plans for my little family and me.  I know this! This situation is not permanent! I claim it! Restoration is already in process! So,

Recovery is hard enough, now you tell me I have to change my friends...

When I finally got serious about my recovery, one of the things they told me is that I would have to change old people, places and things.  I had mixed emotions about this concept.  See, I have been blessed in the friend department.  I have a group of ladies that I have been friends with for over 25 years, we grew up together. . Best friends does not seem like adequate words to describe my relationship with them.  I think sisters will suffice.   I also have a group of friends that I met while attending the University of Kentucky that have become some of my best friends. Then I had my "drug" friends, the people that I met along the way because we shared a common interest: getting high. The first two sets of friends were not addicts.  They are able to drink like the "normal" people.  I did get high with some of them, but when it was time to move on, they did. They finished their degrees, established careers, families, etc.  I was the one that was not able to stop and move on with my life.  Some of them got tired of my behavior and stopped speaking to me (not all, but some).  So, when they told me that I had to change my friends, I thought "my drug friends are all that I have left". My "normal" friends either had enough and walked away or I had lost contact with them. And before I go on, I need to say that I don't blame them for removing themselves from my life.  I would have walked away from me WAY sooner then they did.  They gave me hundreds of chances!  I am not confused on who caused the breaks in the friendship, it was ME! So if I gave up my "drug" friends, that left me with nobody and this made me very sad.  One more thing that sobriety was going to force me to do, not have any friends (poor poor pitiful me)....

But as time went on and I worked the program, this concept became more clear and easier to accept.  How am I going to change pretty much everything about me and my life and then go back and hang out with people that were doing the things that  I had worked so hard to stop doing? How would I stay sober hanging around people getting high? I knew that I was going to have to let go of who I considered to be my friends. Mind you, these people were the ones that stole from me, lied to me and much more. We will do what we have to for dope.  And not one of them came and visited me while I was in treatment, so why did I even consider them my friends?! So, I decided that if I would let go of these so-called "friends"! As long as I had Jesus Christ and my sobriety I would be fine, I was sure of it!

Let us fast forward to NOW: You will be happy to know that I have more "real" friends in my life now, then ever before! I have reconnected with all of my childhood friends and my college friends. Even better, now I have a entire new group of friends that I have acquired in recovery and through the work that I do in the community! Strong and beautiful women (and men) that uplift and encourage each other...What could be better?! At any given time I know that I could call on any of these women and they would be there for me!

And new places and things too?

While in treatment this last time, I started thinking about how I would be able to have fun sober. Where am I going to go to have fun?  These people are telling me that I cannot go to and hang out where I used too! What do they expect me to do with myself?!  First of all, I resented the "normal" people that I would see in stores, restaurants, etc. because they seemed so happy.  I thought there is no way these people are happy without some sort of mind-altering chemical. I couldn't figure it out.  I had never been happy or comfortable in my own skin, EXCEPT, when I was high! I just knew that everybody was secretly high! 

But, as I began the transitioning process in treatment, I stepped out of my comfort zone. I joined the gym. I got certified to teach Zumba. I became active in my church. I joined organizations in the community and before I knew it I was having me a life without mind-altering chemicals. It felt good to wake up in the morning and remember what happened the night before. I started to enjoy the little things, like going to the park and reading my Bible.  It is nothing short of a miracle! I am happier now then I have ever been my entire life! If I attend a friend's birthday, I will eat dinner with them, but if they are going to a club or bar afterwards, I go home.  They are okay with that and I am too!  I have no desire to be out and about like that anymore! That is part of my old life, the one that died.  I can not do the same things that you used to do and expect different results (insanity at it's finest)! I can not go the same places that you used to.  One friend said it best when they said "If you go to the barbershop enough times, you are going to eventually get a hair cut"! Plus, I have partied enough for 2 lifetimes!!!

And now.....

Well, I can't leave without showing you some highlights of my little fashion world from this week! My friends have started calling me Kleather Kardashian (they got jokes. HA!).  I am the broke Kardashian sister. Oh well......I am a small town girl, with a small budget, but still manage to be fashionable (in my humble opinion). I hope that you enjoy!

Fringe and Chuck Taylors with American Eagle Jeans!

I ordered this glitter "Wifey" decal from Etsy.  The shop name is glitterandjuls. You can also find her on Instagram @glittersandjuls. She has so many pretty things in her shop. Go check her out: Glitterandjulsshop .I purchased the t-shirt from Wal-Mart for 4.97 and the decal was 8.00 (including shipping). All you do is iron on the decal and boom: FABULOSITY!  That cute bow bracelet came from an online site called Simple Addiction! I paid only 4.97 for it! They have items up to 90% off retail value. Check them out:Simple Addiction.  The other bracelet is from Rue 21 and I don't remember how much I paid, but it was not over 5.00. Necklace came from eBay for about 3.00. Green jeans 5.00 at Walmart. Shoes came from American Eagle

I am not down to the size that I want to be yet, but I decided that this year I was going to go swimming! I want to enjoy my life at whatever size I am! Life is too dag on short not to! Bathing suit and cover-up all from Walmart for under 30.00!

I purchased this dress 2 years ago for the 4th of July at Old Navy. The cardigan is also from Old Navy. Shoes came from the Gap Factory outlet for only 7.00! And the KY necklace is one of my favorite.  It came from Chatty Kathys. They have a lot of cute jewelry. Check it out: Chatty Cathys

I am not really a huge fan of crop tops, but I got this one because of my love for lace.  I got it 2 years ago. The long bow necklace came from Walmart for only 5.00.  Walmart has really stepped up their jewelry game! The shoes are from Rue 21 and I paid 7.00 for them.  I got my baby girl a pair too and she loves them. The round necklace is one that I want to wear everyday and have to stop myself. It is from another online boutique called Chatty Cathys. Check them out: Crystal Feather Boutique.

Now, I am not sure if baby doll dresses are still in, but I really don't care. I love this one! I got it about a year or so ago for about 5.00. I am not sure where though, lol! The distressed jeans came from Walmart. They are jordache. The sandals also came from Walmart. You can't tell from the pick put the color on the sandals are little beads! Too cute! The necklace came from eBay for about 5.00.

 I love this color combo.  The necklace came from an online boutique and they have some beautiful pieces. Check them out: Love Alondrah. The white sweater is from Walmart and I paid 3.00 for it ( I think it was so cheap because it was off season). The ruffled tank is from Old Navy. I am not sure how much I paid for it because I got it like 3 years ago. Shoes came from Rue 21 for 3.00.  Watch came from eBay for 2.00!!! Not bad!

My dear friend Tiffany wanted to be featured on this blog! I am so proud of her for mixing patterns. I LOVE PATTERN MIXING! The florals and stripes go so well together. And she is beautiful inside and out!!!

Well folks, it's a wrap! I hope that you enjoyed it! Peace, love and blessings! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

How this Girl Stayed Sober

Hey errybody! First off, I have some exciting news! When I posted last week, I told you that the my babies were not going to get to come.  After I posted, guess who shows up?!

My Loves

So, I did not have to wait to ask them how their first 3 days of school were! I am happy to report that they had a great first week. They like their teachers and all is well. We had a fabulous weekend togetha! We went to Get Air in Nicholasville, KY to celebrate their friend Bailey's birthday.  FYI, Get Air is amazing! The best way that I can describe it is that it is a trampoline park. They even had dodge ball on trampolines! I wanted to jump to, but I decided against it because of my bad knee and I didn't want to embarrass my babes.  The cost was not too bad either.  For Children 5 years and older it is $12.00 for 1 hour and $20.00 for 2 hours.  The cost is less for children under 5 years of age.

DISCLAIMER:

I decided that I wanted to talk about what I do to keep my disease in remission. A few things before I start: what I talk about on here comes from MY OWN personal experience.  I can only speak for myself and what I've been through.  Everyone is different.  However, the program I work has a basic foundation that most addicts in recovery follow.  Also, if you don't believe that what I have is a disease, you have every right to your opinion.

What do I everyday to keep me sober?

#1- I usually start my day with meditation and prayer.  Now, I do get lazy and skip this sometimes and boy, oh boy I can tell a huge difference in my attitude and actions for that day when I don't do this.  My prayer and meditation time is nothing fancy.  I have a few devotionals that I read.  I get most of the from my favorite Android app called "Bible".  It has 1,000's of devotionals to choose from. You can just type in a topic and it will give you many options to chose from.   This app is FREE and I highly recommend it! I also get my devotionals from Hazelden (Click Here for Hazelden Devotionals).  And last but not, least I go to Just for Today website (Click Here for Just for Today Meditations). The cool thing about Just for Today is that it compiles the meditations from many different sites onto theirs, thus saving you valuable time. I have a journal that I keep my thoughts in about my devotionals also. Prayer is next! And listen honey, I used to get tore up when it was time to pray.  I didn't know how I was supposed to pray in order for my prayer to be most "effective".  I always felt inadequate in my prayer life.  I even acquired a prayer book and I would recite the prayers from that book because I was sure that God would hear and answer me more sufficiently if I did. Now, I know better! I was letting religion get in the way of my spiritual walk.  God wants to hear from me! He does not want me to be so caught up on the "right" or "wrong" way that I miss the point of what prayer really is.  It is a conversation with my Father! I over complicated it (like a lot of addicts tend to do, complicate things).  The stronger my relationship gets with God and the more that I study the Word of God, the more confident I am in my prayer life.

#2- Give back! Give back! Give back! I used to be the most selfish individual that I knew, so God has really changed me in that aspect! If you knew me before, you know it is a miracle that I think about someone other than myself now.  I spend a lot of time doing volunteer work! It is imperative to my recovery. I also work in a rehab.  I love working with what I call "my people".  It is very humbling.  I see now on the other side how addiction destroys the family and the addict! Sometimes I get sick to my stomach thinking about the hurt and paind that I caused all of my family and friends. There is nothing more therapeutic than helping another addict. I also belong to several organizations in my community that are not necessarily drug related. No matter what stage of recovery you are in, you have something to offer someone else.  Someone needs to hear your story.

#3-Meetings! I attend weekly AA meetings. I love my AA fellowship! I feel like these meetings are vital to my recovery!

#4- I conduct a daily inventory of myself.  Now, I think whether you are an addict or not, you could benefit from an inventory.  All it is basically is reflection.  At the end of the day, I go back and think about what I have done during that day.  Did I say something that was hurtful to someone? Was I unforgiving? Prideful? Mean? You get the picutre.  If possible, I like to try and go and make things "right" the next day.  I also pray and ask God for forgiveness for acting the way that I did. Then, I just try and do better the next day. Simple enough, right?

#5- Exercise! The same endorphines that were released when I was using drugs are the same ones that are released when I exercise! I teach Zumba and I lift weights 3-5 days per week.  I used to run, but my knee was not having it. It also helps that I have lost weight from exercise too!

#6-  I have fun, laugh and enjoy life! There is so much to be grateful for! Even on a bad day, you can find the positive out of it!

In a nutshell, there it is folks! There is no magic involved! And anyone can surely do the things that I talked about! It is so important to STAY CONSISTENT! If I stop doing the things that I listed above, I will probably fall back into my disease.  And for me it is life or death! Now, I chase after my sobriety like I chased after drugs!


THIS WEEK IN FASHION:

My friends and family have been trying to tell me this for a long time, but now I am willing to admit it: I am a shopaholic! With that being said, I have vowed to cut back on my spending.  Here is a recap of my week.

Honey, I love me some monograms! What is better than a monogram? A HUGE monogram!!! I bought this t-shirt at Walmart for $3.00 and took it over to my favorite store in Mt. Sterling, Sheryl's Hallmark and had the monogram put on for only $8.00! Now, that is a steal! 

I love me a good statement necklace.  I have been seeing statement earrings on Instagram and decided that I wanted to try them! I went to one of my favorite sites and eBay does it again! I got these babies for $5.00 total!!! So, if I don't like them, I ddn't invest too much!

I love to mix patterns! I love this chevron and floral combo! I got those purple jeans off of the clearance rack at Walmart a year ago for $5.00. The scarf was a birthday gift from my beautiful friend Aisha. The shoes are from Rue 21 for only $7.00. The t-shirt is from Walmart for $4.97! I got the necklace online!

I had a coupon to American Eagle and was able to get all of this for only $58.00! Not to shabby! My love of cheetah and leopard print is probably not healthy! 






This was last Sunday's outfit! The dog stole my heart at Rue21, so I had to get! And the bracelet was a gift from JC Pennys. The pants are called joggers and I could live in them! 




My BFF Kelli begged me to put her shoes on! She got these from Rue 21 for $7.00! Great deal!

Well, until we meet again friends! Peace, Love and Blessings!

This week in Sobriety and Fashion...according to ME!

My Week in Recovery
My loves started school this week! Looking at all of "first day of school" pictures from the proud parents on Facebook was bitter sweet.  I love seeing them, but it still breaks my heart because I am not with mine. The way my visitation is set up, I only get to see them every other weekend and it has to be supervised by my parents. After 3 years of sobriety, their father is not willing to budge! We each have attornies and we are going back and forth right now! I understand that he hates me and I have come to terms with it, however I feel like that he should want both parents in the children's lives. Especially since I have some substantial clean time.  Part of me wants to yell and scream at him and tell him to get over himself...or find him and beat him down with a bat (I am just being honest). But because I work a spiritual program, I know that God is fighting this battle for me! I am not confused on that!  I am willing to hold on for as long as I have to! I walk by faith and not by sight!

I used drugs for about 15 years and have only been clean for 3.  That is only 20% of the time that I used. So, really that's not a whole lot.  I don't expect everyone (or anyone for that matter) to trust me now that I am clean.  I don't live my life trying to prove to everyone that I am a changed woman.  If I was trying to earn everyone's trust back, how would I even go about it? How many good deeds would I have to do for each person? How long would I have to do these deeds? There is no way to measure this.  As I walk this thing out, I know that people will be able to see the changes that have occured within me.  So I do what I do now for God, my sobriety and me (and in that order)! All the other added benefits of staying sober and doing the right thing are what I considered "bonuses". If I don't keep God and my sobriety first, I will lose everything that I love!  In recovery, you have to be selfish and rigid! If you are only staying sober for others (even your kids), you more than likely will not remain that way. Now, if I am having a bad day, I think about my kids, family, etc. do give me the extra "umph" I need to stay on the straight and narrow. But, ultimately I have to love MYSELF enough to stay clean and sober. 


I probably won't get to see my babies until next weekend. They will have completed 1 1/2 weeks of school by then. I will save all of my questions for then: How was your first day? Do you like your teacher? What classes do you have? Is everyone nice? Etc...This makes me sad, but right now I am happy that I will have the chance to ask them.  Heck, before I would not have even cared enough to ask them about school or anything else for that matter! So, I will patiently wait! 

My time is coming...God is in the process of restoring EVERYTHING honey! I know this with everything I have in me!!!


Now, on to the next....FASHION!!!

 

I know that people are probably like what does fashion have to do with sobriety?! Well let me share with you my take on this.

First, I have always loved clothes, shoes, purses, jewelry, etc. As Juvenile would say, I got it from my Momma.  When I started using drugs, I lost myself before I really even  found me.  I started using during my late teens.  I feel like this is the time that women are learning who they are.  Well, drugs consumed most of my time...not to mention the chaos that came along with it. So, after I came off of the drugs, I realized that I didn't know who the heck I was.

That is what I am doing now, learning all about me: what I like/dislike, what I stand for, etc (you get the picture). But the one thing that I know for sure that I loved before my addiction was fashion.  I don't have much money (and never really have), drugs are very, very expensive! So, I have to be cute on a budget! But, I believe that you can look good in Faded Glory at Walmart, just as easy as you can in Michael Khors. I am not ashamed to say that I am not afraid of a good knock-off (if this is wrong, then I don't want to be right). I believe a girl can never have too many clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry, etc.!

I spend a lot of my time working in recovery and it can be very draining. Shopping serves as a major stress reliever for me. I couldn't decide which I would enjoy writing about the most, so I decided on both! 

There are not very many stores to shop at in my little town of Mt. Sterling, KY.  So, I find myself at Rue 21, JC Penny, Hallmark, and Wal-Mart quite often. Can you BELIEVE that we don't have a Target?! I am also OBSSESSED with shopping at online boutiques through Instagram and let's not forget about eBay! You can find just about anything you are looking for on there! I buy a lot of jewelry through eBay.  The downfall is that most of it comes from China, so it can take longer to receive your items! I am happy to report that I have not had to wait over 3 weeks for any jewelry that I ordered.  The quality for the price is great and I have not received any damaged pieces so far. You can get jewelry on there starting as low as $.99 (say what?!). 

My style is all-over-the-place. One day I may be in a cardigan and button down, the next day I may wear a fringed shirt with ripped up jeans. I love dresses and skirts, but I don't wear them much.  I just got into statement necklaces this year. I am obssessed!   I love mixing fancy necklaces with t-shirts and jeans. I love love love distressed denim!I believe in pattern mixing. I don't like everything to be matchy-matchy. I dress according to my mood most of the time! Here is a recap of my week:

American Eagle was having a sale AND free shipping, so I was compelled to order some more jeans! A sista couldn't resist! I paid 29.99 for each!

T-Shirt: Wal-Mart-$7.00/Jeans: American Eagle-24.00/Earrings: Rue 21-4.00/ Necklace: Online Boutique Christy Alexa Boutique-$8.00 She sells through Instagram and her name is @CHRISTYALEXBOUTIQUE /Watch: eBay-$2.00/ Tassle Bracelet: Style this Life's Etsy Boutique-$12.00.  I love Etsy shops.  It allows anyone to sell their products online! Style this Life sells some amazing jewelry.  Her tassle bracelets are cool for numerous reasons: you can chose from silver or gold ,  bangle bracelets, chains, etc.  And then you pick the color tassles you want.  They are interchangeable.  Visit her etsy shop: https:Style This Life

This pic has nothing to do with fashion, but how cute is Wally?! He attends our weekly staff meetings and gives wonderful input!

These beauties came in this week! I ordered them on eBay! I paid $2.00-$3.00 a piece for them! They are decent quality and were delivered to me in less than 2 weeks from China! The one on the top left is at Wal-Mart for $10.00, so I happy that I ordered my online and paid less than half of that for it!

I made it to the gym this week! I used to lift at least 2 times per week, but with my knee injury it's been difficult.  I teach Zumba 3 times per week and that is hard on my knees as well! The Nikes you see in this picture are EVERYTHING!! I got them at Hibbits.  I paid more than I wanted to $112.00, but they were worth every penny.  They are light weight and have great grips on the bottoms, so they are good for lifting and Zumba! I usually get all of my other workout clothes from Wal-Mart! I love Danskin!

Bought my first pair of joggers from Rue 21, they were not on sale! I paid $16.99 and I love them, comfy and cute is a winning combo! I also wore my Kentucky necklace that I ordered from an online boutique named "Chatty Cathy's" for only 13.00. It's one of my faves! The other neckace says "Pretty Please". I picked it up at Rue 21 for only $2.00! The bracelets and t-shirt are old and I don't remember prices. I ordered my Chuck Taylors last year online.

I got these babies for only $.50 each at Sheryl's Hallmark!

Found this on the clearance at Wal-Mart: $5.00. I love camo!!!

I decided to purchase a vest because it was only $7.00 at Rue 21.  I paired it with a black t-shirt and then added a belt. I've kept my camo shoes from Wal-Mart on repeat all week! I paid only $12.99 for them.

Wal-Mart does it again! I can't get enough t-shirts (especially graphic)!  The "#NOFILTER" shirt is perfect for me! God and I are working on my little filter right now! Both shirts were $5.00 each.

Shoes: Rue 21-$7.00/Long Bow Necklace: Wal-Mart-$5.00

Hope that you enjoyed folks! See you next week!

My First Post....Watch out now!

I hope that my story unravels through this blog! I don't want to vomit it all out to you at one time....I prefer a gentler approach! Besides, when you are getting to know someone, it takes time. 

I am sitting here right now, really missing my babies. Breydan is 10 years old and Cain is 9 years old.  You see, back in 2007, while I was on rehab stay #10, my baby's daddy (sounds slightly ghetto, huh?)  aka the father of my children (much better) was able to get permanent custody of our kids.  I know this will be considered shameful to many. But, it is what it is.  Everything in life cost us something and my addiction cost me my babies.  They come and visit on the weekends and stay longer during breaks (Christmas, Spring, Summer, etc).  The longer they stay the harder it is to let them go.  

They left on Wednesday at noon.  They had been here for about a week and a half.  It never gets easier saying goodbye.  My son, Cain, starts getting sad a few days before it's time for him to go back to his dad. His ability to enjoy the time he does have with me is stolen because he is thinking about leaving.   My daughter, Breydan is a lot like her mother, puts on a tough front, but I know that her heart breaks too.

Part of me says you know what, things are not moving fast enough! I have been clean for over 3 years.  I deserve more time with them, I deserve more rights....but as I said before, everything in life cost us something.  I don't get to choose the pace of my progress.  So they will start school on the 13th of this month. They will walk into their classrooms without their mother.  They will be surrounded by parents taking pictures of their friends.  They will see other mothers kissing their children goodbye.  They will probably be sad, but not show it.  As I sit here typing this while the tears flow down my face, I will tell you that each tear is filled with hope.

Things will not always be this way.  As long as I continue to do the next right thing, the next right thing, the next right thing...my life will continue to come together.  Looking back from when I started this last journey on July 22, 2011, when I walked into treatment for the 12th time, I realize so many blessings have occurred in my life.  I have had so many ups and downs, but progress has continued to be made.

I hope that my story will give others courage, strength and hope. I live my life very transparent, so that God can use me to help others. There are so many like me, with similar stories.  I work with these people everyday.  I see how addictions has destroyed so many families! Working on the other side is so humbling. Three years ago I was each and every addict that is in the rehab facility I work in. I also see hope, love, joy, and restoration on a daily basis. I thrive on it! It keeps me going one day at a time...