My First Post....Watch out now!

I hope that my story unravels through this blog! I don't want to vomit it all out to you at one time....I prefer a gentler approach! Besides, when you are getting to know someone, it takes time. 

I am sitting here right now, really missing my babies. Breydan is 10 years old and Cain is 9 years old.  You see, back in 2007, while I was on rehab stay #10, my baby's daddy (sounds slightly ghetto, huh?)  aka the father of my children (much better) was able to get permanent custody of our kids.  I know this will be considered shameful to many. But, it is what it is.  Everything in life cost us something and my addiction cost me my babies.  They come and visit on the weekends and stay longer during breaks (Christmas, Spring, Summer, etc).  The longer they stay the harder it is to let them go.  

They left on Wednesday at noon.  They had been here for about a week and a half.  It never gets easier saying goodbye.  My son, Cain, starts getting sad a few days before it's time for him to go back to his dad. His ability to enjoy the time he does have with me is stolen because he is thinking about leaving.   My daughter, Breydan is a lot like her mother, puts on a tough front, but I know that her heart breaks too.

Part of me says you know what, things are not moving fast enough! I have been clean for over 3 years.  I deserve more time with them, I deserve more rights....but as I said before, everything in life cost us something.  I don't get to choose the pace of my progress.  So they will start school on the 13th of this month. They will walk into their classrooms without their mother.  They will be surrounded by parents taking pictures of their friends.  They will see other mothers kissing their children goodbye.  They will probably be sad, but not show it.  As I sit here typing this while the tears flow down my face, I will tell you that each tear is filled with hope.

Things will not always be this way.  As long as I continue to do the next right thing, the next right thing, the next right thing...my life will continue to come together.  Looking back from when I started this last journey on July 22, 2011, when I walked into treatment for the 12th time, I realize so many blessings have occurred in my life.  I have had so many ups and downs, but progress has continued to be made.

I hope that my story will give others courage, strength and hope. I live my life very transparent, so that God can use me to help others. There are so many like me, with similar stories.  I work with these people everyday.  I see how addictions has destroyed so many families! Working on the other side is so humbling. Three years ago I was each and every addict that is in the rehab facility I work in. I also see hope, love, joy, and restoration on a daily basis. I thrive on it! It keeps me going one day at a time...